Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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