Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize