Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
