nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
