I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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