she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
