I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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