Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
