And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
