She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize