you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
