If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
