he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Randomize
