i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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