It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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