Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
