so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
