the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
