Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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