cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
