I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
