I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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