The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
