OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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