A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
did i just pee glitter
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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