how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
