I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
