Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
