it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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