I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
