i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
