she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
