from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
