Buhtt sex?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
