booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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