This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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