you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
