To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize