Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
