I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
so much tequila, so little girl.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
