happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
