i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
