At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
