i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
