If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
