How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
