i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
