My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize