my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
ttyl tear gas
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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