god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize