new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
