It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She has the best kind of daddy issues
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
