Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He has the fingertips of a God
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