Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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