Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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