He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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