he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
