im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
