so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Randomize
